One of "Those Days"

Busy. Life is busy.  I am busy.  We are busy.  Last Tuesday was no exception.  In organized fashion, I had a to-do list in chronological order ready for the day and all lunches packed the night before.  The first 3 hours of the day went as planned – 7 people out of bed, fed, dressed, and ready for the day.  Lauren (my four-year old) and I punctually dropped off the other four kids at school by 8:20, and we were ready to continue on through the task list. On our way home, we rehearsed the order of events upon arrival at home – start laundry, get out the bread machines to start the process of making pepperoni rolls, etc… and then construction barrels started getting closer to us as the lane we were in was being eliminated.  I slowed down to merge into the traffic in the next lane, when the driver behind us, who didn’t see brake lights, rear-ended us.  No one in the collision was injured, but I instantly knew my plan for the day was in shambles.  Waiting for police to arrive and then process all the paperwork in a non-emergency incident is not an efficient process. Sigh.

After working through that process, we finally arrived home and jumped into action - it was definitely a time crunch.  We needed to leave for school by noon in order to bring the promised pepperoni rolls to senior lunch in celebration of Samantha’s birthday.  While waiting for the bread machines to work their magic on the bread dough, I got word of a medical paperwork problem that needed to be sorted out ASAP.  And how could a situation including the state, paperwork, and a doctor’s office be anything but fast?  (Insert make phone calls in task list.) After working through my paperwork complication and calling to file an auto claim with our insurance company, Lauren and I were in super-fast mode to get 5 dozen pepperoni rolls assembled and baked.  While I divided the dough into rolls, Lauren placed the pepperoni slices followed by cheese on each roll.  As we quickly worked toward our fast-approaching deadline, Lauren said, “Mom, it’s going to be ok.  I just prayed and asked God to help us get to school by lunch time.”  My hands stopped working, while my eyes rose to look at Lauren.  My heart sank and then soared.  I was so driven to accomplish my time sensitive goals that I failed to do exactly what was needed and yet my four-year old perceived a need that God could meet and in simple faith asked Him to do just that.  I was rebuked, but encouraged – rebuked for my lack of faith, and yet encouraged by her simple faith.

We made it to school in time for lunch, and the seniors (mostly the guys) devoured the pepperoni rolls.  Lauren and I came home and continued our way through our task list.  The rest of the day continued to be "one of those days" but with fresh perspective.  Maybe the next time I'm ready to  push "do over" on a day, I'll remember on my own to take it to the Lord in prayer.

for the Sisterhood

Love is a Pillow and Cookies

“Patience is a pillow, and kindness is cookies.” 

The girls from my Wednesday afternoon Bible group are to thank for this alliterated way of summarizing our first week of study in I Corinthians 13. I don’t know that I would have condensed I Corinthians 13:4 into this phrase, but if that’s what it takes to make the concept stick, so be it. So how did we get pillows and cookies out of this? Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't explain Paul’s concept of Christ-like love as warm and fuzzy (even if those are the first adjectives that come to mind with pillows and cookies).

My journey over the past year through I Corinthians 13 has been more like lukewarm, perhaps even cold at times, and definitely not full of sweetness. If anything, really digging into the true picture of love left me feeling ragged and bleeding and just … yucky-feeling. I first started this study about a year and a half ago (fall 2012) with two girls; and after adding a couple of girls to the group, I decided to do it again. Either I forgot how exposing this study was or I’m just a glutton for punishment.

Or maybe God just wants to keep growing His love in me so that I can shine more brightly in an ever-darkening world.

The idea for this study came as I was listening through Dr.Greg Mazak’s sermon series through I Corinthians.** Of course I was convicted while listening (wouldn’t anybody hearing a sermon on patience and kindness?), and Dr. Mazak has such a wonderful way of illustrating and applying theological concepts. So I wrote out little study guides, breaking up the various attributes of love, and had the girls listen to a sermon each week while we worked through this passage. It was grueling. And last fall’s study was only the beginning of my journey – of really working out this kind of love in me with those closest to me. I really can’t remember a time when I’ve felt more discourage or frustrated or even hopeless. In one of his first sermons in the series, Dr. Mazak asserted that he felt like he could spend the rest of his life just trying to be patient and kind – and those are only the first two descriptions out of fifteen! Starting to understand ...

So what about pillows and cookies? As I mentioned, we began the Bible study again this past fall – me, with a year's worth of unlovely illustrations now to add to the “personal application” section of the study. I always knew I struggled with patience – but I had no idea just how ugly impatience could be until I had children. So ugly, in fact, that at one point a few weeks ago, I stood there facing my whining, arguing three-year-old and thought, “I’m so tired of this I could just hit him!”

Talk about getting hit with my own sinful heart (and anger issues, apparently). And of course, my son’s really “irritating qualities” are starting to surface right as I’m teaching about patience.

nice, soft pillow thanks to Sarah Albright

I shared with the girls that being a patient person is like having a long fuse. You can hurt me and accuse me and irritate me and drive me crazy … and I will not retaliate, no matter what. At that point, I started musing, “You know, patience acts like a pillow – it doesn’t matter what you do to a pillow; it’s not going to hurt you back. No matter how hard you hit it, it’s just … soft. You can't even hurt yourself by hitting it. You can stomp on it and throw it around, and it just fluffs right back into place.”

Patience is a pillow.

And sometimes with enough self-will, I can hold my tongue and my anger back, keeping the frustration and irritation inside. With enough control (usually influenced by what others think of me), I can keep from being curt or uncivil with that really annoying teenager or child or adult. Maybe I can even keep it in when my spouse does something that irritates me … again.

My husband didn't complain about my need
to make cookies for a photo shoot.

But then it says that love is kind – and that means, that love reaches out in goodness to those who have hurt me and frustrated me and irritated me. One of the girls in our group was sharing her struggle being patient with a brother who was regularly unkind to her. When we got to the “kindness” part of this study, I brought her example back up and said, “You know, when your brother is unkind to you, patience is not yelling back, and not getting defensive or sarcastic or nasty in return. And it’s not tattling on him either. That’s patience, and that is hard. But kindness is even harder. Kindness is later going out to the kitchen and making him his favorite cookies” (rolling eyes from the girls at this point).

Kindness is cookies.

Kindness is, for me, the true marker of the Holy Spirit’s control in my life. It is something that I cannot manufacture on my own – not to those who have hurt me. I may be able to hold my tongue, but please do not ask me to do something kind back. No, those who have hurt me deserve my silence, not goodness. Not cookies.

Kindness is so hard.

Actually, it’s impossible. Without the Spirit’s control, it’s completely, utterly impossible. The Fruit of the Spirit is starting to make sense – it is love … patience … goodness. I actually think that this is where God uses our kids to teach us about kindness too. Even though I do get irritated and impatient with my son, it's not hard for me to respond in goodness after he's irritated me. I love him, and I love giving him good gifts. That's how God loves me too. And this same love - the love of God that now dwells in my heart - makes kindness possible. 

So if I am a child of God, I can invite that person/family over for dinner who gossiped about me or said totally unfair things about my husband. I can take the time to sweetly help my mom with her computer issues over the phone (even though she lives 1,000 miles away). I can because the Spirit can, and He lives within me. And He loves me. Now that's a warm, fuzzy feeling. :-) 

Happy Valentine's Day to all our Sisters in Christ!

Now may the God of peace … equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.     ~ Hebrews 13:20-21 ~

Megan 
for the Sisterhood

** For links to Dr. Mazak's 8-part sermon series on LOVE, click below:
The Preeminence of Love
The Practice of Love, Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 
The Permanance of Love, Part 1, 2

SANC-TI-FI-CA-TION

Have you ever questioned in your heart our Sovereign Lord for circumstances He has brought into your life?  Maybe you can truthfully say, "no" to this question; however, In the past 4 months I have had to answer this question with a big, fat "YES!"

I am blessed with an amazing family.  My parents taught me God's Word and I went to a Christian school and college.  Shouldn't I know not to question God and know how to react when God brings uncomfortable trials into my life?  In my miniscule brain, I know what sanctification is, but I don't think it had really touched my heart until God brought a large trial into my life.  I had understood that growing was when you went to church and read your Bible and prayed.  While reading your Bible and going to church are good things, and you do grow through those things, God can use anything to grow and stretch you, including trials.

The following is a timeline of events that God brought into my life this fall, immediately following my wedding:

August 27: I was experiencing extreme pain in my lower back.

August 28: The pain in my back progressed and I couldn't do anything to get comfortable.

August 29: I couldn't get out of bed and could barely walk.  The pain was so excruciaiting that my husband and I finally decided to go on an adventure to the ER in Michigan where we were supposed to be packing up my stuff to move.  After a few hours of groaning in the waiting room, I was able to see a doctor.  I had a few tests done and was able to eventually have pain medicine and then started to feel comfortable.  The doctor came in and said, "You have a UTI, kidney infection, and we found a 3 cm 'mass' on your kidney."  Once the doctor left, my mind began racing . . . "this is not supposed to happen to you when you first get married; this is supposed to happen to old people, what even is a 'mass?'; do I have cancer?; we don't have money for this; I am moving far away where I don't know anybody and now I have health problems; isn't your kidney a major port of your body?; am I going to have to have a transplant and go on dialysis?"  I stayed overnight in the hospital and was sent home the next day with pain medicine and antibiotics.

September 1: My husband and I began our journey out to Colorado.  After being on antibiotics for a few days, I began to feel much better.  I visited several doctors to try and figure out what the next step was in taking care of the mass on my kidney.  I saw a urologist who explained in detail everything about the kidney and explained all the possibilities of what the 'mass' could be.  One possibility was the big dreaded "C" word - cancer.  I always thought that cancer is what happens to other people, not me.  The doctor explained that the location of the 'mass ' was not in a good place and that they were going to have to remove the entire kidney.  I needed a few more tests done before my surgery was going to be scheduled.  When we left that appointment, I sat in the car and bawled.  I felt as if my life was at a stand still and I thought, "GOD, WHY???"  Over the next few days God began to grow me in ways I couldn't see.  I was reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thought, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  God's way is always better than my way even if it is cancer, or you can fill in the blank.  God's way is always better than my way even if it is _________.

September 30: I went in to have a CT Scan to check on the 'mass'.  This test was going to be the map for the surgery.  I had an appointment scheduled to meet with the doctor to go over the results of this test and talk more details about the sugery.

October 4: I was driving and my phone went off.  The caller ID said "Dr."  I immediately had a huge pit in my stomach, and thought, "The tumor is way bigger, and I'm going to have to have surgery tomorrow."  I answered the phone and instead the doctor said, "Hey, I just wanted you to know that I looked athte results of the CT Scan and your 'mass' has shrunk by at least 50%.  You need to go back on antibiotics to try to shrink the rest of the 'mass'. "  My heart was filled with joy and excitement, but also rebuke.  I doubted God.  I had prayed about my kidney situation many times, but I never really believed in my heart that God would make this situation better.  God once again demonatrated His grace to me.

November 15: I went and had a follow-up ultrasound done on my kidney to check on the 'mass'.

November 16: I went to the doctor to see the results of the ultra sound.  The doctor came in and said, "You are healed.  The mass is gone, and your kidney is working fine."  No words could come out of my mouth.  I was greatly overwhelmed.  God knew before I was even born that He would allow me to have medical problems, so that I could learn that His way is best and He is Sovereign.

God has changed me and continues to stretch and challenge me in several different areas.  I am so grateful to God for allowing me to taste the goodness and sovereignty of God.  Although I have never understood that God could use my health as a means for sanctification, He has, and it is all for His glory.  There are no words to express how grateful I am to all the poeple who interceded for me, many that I don't even know.  God may allow something of this magnitude to occur again, and if He should I don't have to understand why.  I can rest assured that His way is perfect!

Day of Joy

(c) Microsoft Office

Today, October 22nd, was my due date. February 23rd of this year started off as a day of great, exciting joy. My husband and I discovered that we were expecting our first child, something that we had been desiring and praying for. There was so much excitement as we started to plan, and to look forward to holding that little one and raising him/her for the Lord. October 22nd was a day I could not wait to reach.

A couple of weeks later, that joy of excitement changed into a different kind of joy as the doctor informed us that the ultrasound showed I would be miscarrying that precious life. My husband and I stated the following on Facebook that day: “March 8th - The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Please pray that the Lord will be glorified as Steve and I wait for His perfect timing for our family to grow.  The Lord saw fit to stop the development of our baby, and the doctor told us to expect to miscarry in the next few days."

I experienced many emotions, questions, fears, and doubts as I tried to process the information: Why me? Other people weren’t losing their babies, so why was I losing mine? Why isn’t God letting me have something that I have such a desire for, and that would bring Him such glory? What if I could never have a baby? What am I going to do then? Does God care for and love me if He is going to take my baby?

Flowers in memory of Baby #1

Those questions came flooding into my mind, and began to remove all excitement and joy. But soon another joy began to pour into my life. It came slowly, but brought great peace. That peace is one that I found in the truths of the Word of God. Over the next several days, weeks, and even months, these truths became alive, giving me a joy and peace that passed all understanding and could only be explained in my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Here are several of those truths:

 Truth #1 - God Loves Me
God’s love is unconditional and sacrificial. There is nothing that I can do that changes the love that God has demonstrated for me. I thought that God did not love me because He took my child away from me, but God knew and loved my child before I ever knew who the baby was (Psalm 139). As a friend stated, “Your baby has the best babysitter, one that loves him more than you could ever love him.”

I know that I can rest within God’s love, because even when I was a sinner, against God, He gave His only son to die for me (John 3:16). He willingly sacrificed His son for me. That love is beyond comprehension.

Because of the sacrificial love that He has given, I know that He loves me throughout trials. God is my heavenly Father, who will not allow anything into my life that will harm me. As Matthew 7:11 and Hebrews 12 say, if our earthly fathers do things for our good, how much more will our heavenly Father (whose love is supreme) do things for our good?

God loves me. Just because there are times that I may not want to believe that He truly does love me, His loves doesn’t change.

Truth #2 - God Cares for me
Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” As with God’s love, He also cares for me, and will work all things for my good and for His glory.

Truth #3 - God is my Refuge
Throughout many trials, and times of waiting in my life, Psalm 46 has been such a huge encouragement. No matter what is happening around me, even if it appears that the world is falling apart (and when the news of the miscarriage came, my world was falling apart), I can rest in God who is my refuge. Psalm 46:10 states, “Be still and know that I am God.” When the trials and troubles come, I have to sit back, see who God is, and allow Him to work. He is my refuge and strength. It is in Him that I can rest.

Truth #4 - God’s Plans are Best
The hardest truth for me to accept was that God’s plans are (and were) truly best for me. I like to think that I know what is best for me. The precious baby was what I believed was best, but God had a different plan. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'” The Lord knows the plans for me, plans that are for a future, a hope, and for the best.

Many other truths also became real, and God granted peace, comfort, and hope that was beyond comprehension.

Excitement came again on July 25th, as we found out that Baby #2 was on the way, due April 1st. I was so excited that I knew this pregnancy was different, and I would finally experience that joy of a little one. August 4th, complications became obvious, and the heart-sinking truth was known on August 5th: that I was once again going to miscarry. The truths from God’s Word came to mind as I tried to understand what was happening.

Flowers in memory of Baby #2

Facebook Status August 4 - Resting in Psalm 13 and 46, and in the fact that God's plans for us are greater and better than any plans we could chose for ourselves. Even if the present pain of those plans seems to much to bear.

Facebook Status August 4 - Jeremiah 29:11- Gladly I serve and trust a God who knows the why, when the what doesn't make sense. 

Facebook Status August 5 - Praise the Lord for His strength, mercy, and plan for our lives. Heaven gets sweeter each day, as our little baby has joined their sibling. Please pray that the Lord is glorified through this new trial.

During this time, one truth became real: I was going to have to “take every thought captive.” Many times my flesh fought to ask those questions again and doubt the truths that I knew to be real, including the truths of who God is. In order to continue trusting the Lord, I had to focus on who He was. I could not let the doubts grow and become part of the thoughts. My thoughts needed to be replaced with truth (the truths found in God’s Word). This was and is a constant daily struggle, but through God’s grace and His Word, I have found that my doubts can be replaced with truth.

My husband and I still wait and trust the Lord for the future, but we remember, “All things work together for good to them who love God, for them who are called according to His purpose.” I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if I will ever get to hold a child of my own on this side of heaven. But I do know that I serve a God who loves me, cares for me, and works all things out for my good and His glory.

As I view October 22nd, it is a day of joy - joy that the Lord I serve loves me, cares for me, and knows the plans for me. And I have joy that He is God!