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| (c) Microsoft Office |
A couple of weeks later, that joy of excitement changed into a different kind of joy as the doctor informed us that the ultrasound showed I would be miscarrying that precious life. My husband and I stated the following on Facebook that day: “March 8th - The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Please pray that the Lord will be glorified as Steve and I wait for His perfect timing for our family to grow. The Lord saw fit to stop the development of our baby, and the doctor told us to expect to miscarry in the next few days."
I experienced many emotions, questions, fears, and doubts as I tried to process the information: Why me? Other people weren’t losing their babies, so why was I losing mine? Why isn’t God letting me have something that I have such a desire for, and that would bring Him such glory? What if I could never have a baby? What am I going to do then? Does God care for and love me if He is going to take my baby?
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| Flowers in memory of Baby #1 |
Here are several of those truths:
Truth #1 - God Loves Me
God’s love is unconditional and sacrificial. There is nothing that I can do that changes the love that God has demonstrated for me. I thought that God did not love me because He took my child away from me, but God knew and loved my child before I ever knew who the baby was (Psalm 139). As a friend stated, “Your baby has the best babysitter, one that loves him more than you could ever love him.”
I know that I can rest within God’s love, because even when I was a sinner, against God, He gave His only son to die for me (John 3:16). He willingly sacrificed His son for me. That love is beyond comprehension.
Because of the sacrificial love that He has given, I know that He loves me throughout trials. God is my heavenly Father, who will not allow anything into my life that will harm me. As Matthew 7:11 and Hebrews 12 say, if our earthly fathers do things for our good, how much more will our heavenly Father (whose love is supreme) do things for our good?
God loves me. Just because there are times that I may not want to believe that He truly does love me, His loves doesn’t change.
Truth #2 - God Cares for me
Romans 8:28 states, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” As with God’s love, He also cares for me, and will work all things for my good and for His glory.
Truth #3 - God is my Refuge
Throughout many trials, and times of waiting in my life, Psalm 46 has been such a huge encouragement. No matter what is happening around me, even if it appears that the world is falling apart (and when the news of the miscarriage came, my world was falling apart), I can rest in God who is my refuge. Psalm 46:10 states, “Be still and know that I am God.” When the trials and troubles come, I have to sit back, see who God is, and allow Him to work. He is my refuge and strength. It is in Him that I can rest.
Truth #4 - God’s Plans are Best
The hardest truth for me to accept was that God’s plans are (and were) truly best for me. I like to think that I know what is best for me. The precious baby was what I believed was best, but God had a different plan. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'” The Lord knows the plans for me, plans that are for a future, a hope, and for the best.
Many other truths also became real, and God granted peace, comfort, and hope that was beyond comprehension.
Excitement came again on July 25th, as we found out that Baby #2 was on the way, due April 1st. I was so excited that I knew this pregnancy was different, and I would finally experience that joy of a little one. August 4th, complications became obvious, and the heart-sinking truth was known on August 5th: that I was once again going to miscarry. The truths from God’s Word came to mind as I tried to understand what was happening.
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| Flowers in memory of Baby #2 |
Facebook Status August 4 - Jeremiah 29:11- Gladly I serve and trust a God who knows the why, when the what doesn't make sense.
Facebook Status August 5 - Praise the Lord for His strength, mercy, and plan for our lives. Heaven gets sweeter each day, as our little baby has joined their sibling. Please pray that the Lord is glorified through this new trial.
During this time, one truth became real: I was going to have to “take every thought captive.” Many times my flesh fought to ask those questions again and doubt the truths that I knew to be real, including the truths of who God is. In order to continue trusting the Lord, I had to focus on who He was. I could not let the doubts grow and become part of the thoughts. My thoughts needed to be replaced with truth (the truths found in God’s Word). This was and is a constant daily struggle, but through God’s grace and His Word, I have found that my doubts can be replaced with truth.
My husband and I still wait and trust the Lord for the future, but we remember, “All things work together for good to them who love God, for them who are called according to His purpose.” I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if I will ever get to hold a child of my own on this side of heaven. But I do know that I serve a God who loves me, cares for me, and works all things out for my good and His glory.
As I view October 22nd, it is a day of joy - joy that the Lord I serve loves me, cares for me, and knows the plans for me. And I have joy that He is God!
Jill, thanks for sharing with us, I continue to pray for you and Steve. I lost our first baby, and it was awful, and each July I think of that sweet baby that is with Jesus...Dee Dee Payne
ReplyDeleteJill, thanks for sharing your love for God through the trials. My husband and I have also experienced this type of loss. I had 2 miscarriages and what they call a fetal demise. She died at 20 weeks along. So our Courtney Evelyn is with the Lord. I have 2 precious children that I believe are Gods miracles to me. I thank God for them. I will be praying that you and your husband experience God's miracles as well. I had the same thoughts that you shared in your post. I can honestly say I only made it through it all because I know Jesus as my personal Savior. Keep trusting in Him. Brings me back to the song I just shared on facebook. "Jesus I am Resting, Resting" by Steve Green. Very comforting song.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Jill. I lost my first three babies--each at seven weeks along, so your thoughts are so familiar to me. With each loss my husband and I grieved, but were comforted by the Lord. A verse that was special to us after the loss of our first was I Sam. 3:18, "It is the LORD: let Him do what seemeth Him good". After we lost our third baby, I experienced that "peace that passes understanding". God helped me through it when in my flesh I could see no good in the situation.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I began to wonder if we would ever have children, and we even began looking into adoption. After we had been married almost 4 years, I became pregnant, and Hannah Grace was born nine months later. Now Hannah is 7 and I have four daughters. The Lord has taken my sorrow fully away and filled our home with little ones. We are so thankful. Looking back, I'm thankful for those years that my husband and I had together before children. They brought us closer, and they don't seem so long now. The Lord's ways are far above ours!
I trust that soon you--along with the Biblical Hannah and I--can say, "for this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him."
Dear Jill,
ReplyDeleteAlthough I don't know you, I'm getting to know your sister Julie as she builds her life here in Colorado. I read your post yesterday and was so moved. I felt like I was reading my own words. We too have experienced two miscarriage this year, but what was most amazing link between our stories was the timing. Our first due date was Oct. 8th, the miscarriage happened early in the pregnancy. Our second pregnancy was a bit more complicated. I had shoulder surgery on July 18, not having any idea that I was pregnant. When we found out 3 weeks later, we were shocked, the timing didn't make any sense. I should not have been able to get pregnant when I did. But alas, our timing is not God's. We met with our doctors, and everyone agreed that having surgery that early would not affect the pregnancy. Everything seemed to be going well, we saw a strong heart beat at 6 weeks and then again at 8 weeks. Everything looked great! However when I went in for my 12 week appointment, the baby did not have a heartbeat and had stopped growing sometime the week before. We were heartbroken, and scared. We are still trying to diagnose what happened. It is a tough walk to reconcile what is going on with what you know to be the Truth.
Thanks so much for sharing, it was truly a bless ing. We'll be praying for you and look forward to meeting you one day when you come to visit Julie. (We'll try and take good care of her).
Jill, thanks for sharing this with us. My heart hurts with you and Steve but I also know that God loves and plans the best for us. Isn't it wonderful to know that we can rest in God's love and care and even though hard things come, God is right there with us. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteCheryl Bjerk (cheryl.bjerk@gmail.com)
Miss Jill,
ReplyDeleteI love your transparency before us, your fellow sisters, and the Lord. Thank you for your honesty about wrong thoughts and how God used His Word in your life to bring you back to His way. Too often we focus on the failures of our walk or swing the opposite to "put a good face on it". It's always encouraging when someone you love learns to know her God better; it revitalizes your own walk. Thank you for helping me renew mine! Keep being open before Him. Keep sharing your journey with us.
Love you, miss you, so proud of the woman you are growing to be,
Diana